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Dating Tips -
Top 11 Points to Come Out
Ahead
Handling
Dating Conflict
Up goes the mast to announce smooth sailing in
the comfort zone, when suddenly you hit rough waters out of nowhere. Now
before you rock the boat, you decide that it would be so much better to
maintain the balance via cooperation. Of course your mate doesn't act as
well under pressure as you do.
You would sooner make your point, give out the
instructions, your way - who needs to have conflicting game plans at a
time like this - and have everything under control (yours).
However, your mate has their own way of looking
at the situation. Waters roar, tempers soar, until no one can see clearly
beyond the fog of confusion. The goal switches from "peace of mind" to
"piece of him/her" - winning the argument taking distinct precedence over
solving the argument.
Sound familiar? Sure hope so, or one of you
couldn't possibly be from this planet. So how do we try to salvage a
situation in ways most difficult and unnatural to us? The answer: By
focusing on the value of construction versus reconstruction - more
difficult than swallowing good points/pride here and there.
Where do we start? At the beginning, before
sinking into muddied waters. Focus, focus, focus on the following top ten
points and you'll come out ahead.
- Try your best to maintain your cool. If you
need a bit of time or a few deep breaths, indulge yourself, because once
those vindictive comments are already out there, you can never take the
hurt back. This is not to say that you take forever, hoping that you'll
both cool off enough so you wouldn't have to worry about the problem any
longer. On the contrary.
- All issues and their underlying causes must
always be addressed - preferably when you're both up for it - before
they fester and erupt again from growing resentment. You must make time
to work out your problems to both your satisfaction, in a calm and
collected manner;
- Avoid laying blame on your mate. Rarely is
anything just one party's fault. Acknowledge your part, sharing
responsibility for the problem, and your partner will share the
responsibility of fixing things up with you, feeling that you're in it
together;
- Focus on the problem, not the person. This
is especially important in fighting the urge to create a blanket
argument with "You always..." statements which defeat all reason. Ditto
for counterproductive "You do it too" accusations. Your mate is less
likely to go on the defense if you point out your feelings versus
attacking their character, dragging their entire life down - despite
their best efforts at changing - just to make your point. "I feel hurt
when you leave me out of your plans" will make them want to reach out to
you more than "You always leave me out of your plans, from the moment I
laid eyes on you";
- Keep things in perspective, making sure that
the length and intensity of an argument is in proportion to the weight
of the issue being discussed. In other words, don't beat minor things to
death. Prearrange interesting ways to mark "time out" - an egg timer; a
hug, just as emotional exhaustion begins to set in for one of you;
whatever. My personal favourite is holding both hands very early on in
the argument, ensuring that you don't raise voices when you need only
raise an issue. With all said and done, never let the sun go down on
your anger;
- Limit yourselves to one topic at a time.
Mixing up different topics is just as distasteful as mixing up competing
spices - disallowing the chance to properly appreciate any one of
them;
- Bounce the proverbial ball into your mate's
court. Ask them how they'd like to support you on a particular issue,
involving them in the solution/suggestion process. This works especially
well when you need to appoint them ambassador on your behalf, with their
family/friends/colleagues. The important thing to keep in mind here is
that you must be direct and specific, not sarcastic or manipulative,
especially if you want to get the most cooperation out of your
mate;
- Don't push for perfection. Remember, you're
not perfect, neither should you expect your mate to be. On the flip
side, neither one of you should make the other feel inferior. Should
your mate do that to you, stop them right at the outset. Use this
knowledge to evaluate the relationship, not feel powerless;
- Listen to your mate, without feeling the
need to comment, get defensive, or put your point across. Once their
anxieties are out in the open, you might just be able to help diffuse
them, appreciating their vulnerabilities for a change;
- Negotiate like adults, coming up with
solutions that are fair to the both of you, making each of you happier -
and obviously more giving and fun to be with;
- Bottom line, no matter how bad the argument,
don't assume betrayal, realizing that you are in it together. Draw
comfort from knowing that the tension between you two has nothing to do
with your love for each other.
Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice
columnist/published author is Toronto's hottest offering to the
relationship and sexuality scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and
entertaining delivery, Rebecca gives her audiences what they crave,
through her books, seminars, interviews, and advice
columns. http://www.drdating.com/
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